Pass the Dutch baby - shake, shake , shake your stuff baby....... WHO DI WHOO!!

Do you remember back to the May bank holiday?! Do you also remember it was a glorious heat wave? Well, i remember all this and a whole lot more........

It was the Sunday of the bank holiday weekend and i had organised a date for the late afternoon with a Dutch man (lets call him Oscar?) and we were going to meet in my local which has turned out to be my new 'take all my date's there' spot!
Now, before we go any further let me state some small, important details - it was 32 degrees that day, i had been in the park for most of the morning/early afternoon in the scorching sun, id had very little H20 and id had no lunch.

I was meeting Oscar at 4pm. For this date i wore floral wide legged trousers, vest top and a cardigan, nothing to exciting!!! I also had minimal make up on as it would just melt off my face.... Some people get sweaty pits - i get a sweaty face....
As i approached my destination i looked around the outdoor tables of the pub for Oscar. I couldn't see him but in all fairness i am a tad on the blind side. I made my way straight into the pub and got myself a drink - white wine, go large!!

I stood there feeling a little awkward and hoped that my little Dutch hottie would hurry up.
As i received my vino i sheepishly looked to my left hand side and a guy sitting at a table outside waved to me. I peered to see who it was and took a few steps towards the person - yes it was Oscar but he looked nothing like his pictures. His hair was like Hugh Grant's but with far to much brylcreem cream, he was unshaven but not a nice unshaven. More like a 'i look homeless unshaven'. He also looked a lot older than his 37 years of age which he eventually over the course of the date fessed up to being 43....
The biggest issue for me was the teeth - now, i dont have perfect teeth but i have done all i can to make them better by spending hundreds of pounds straightening them and all sorts of other things. Oscars teeth were of the yellow shade and very crooked!! Its all about teeth and shoes for me girls, what about you?

I sat down and smiled brightly to my afternoon date and squirmed in my seat as i was sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market......... waaaayyyy!!! Anyway - moving on.........

He had good enough chat and he was a real nice guy but i just knew this would not be going any further. As i had came to this conclusion early on i decided, what the hell, lets get plastered, i dont care about making a good impression any more but as always i had to take it to the extreme.....

Due to the factors i told you at the beginning about being a tad dehydrated i was guzzling wine like it was water and this in turn got me bladdered VERY quickly. In all honesty i could not tell you much of what happened after my third glass of wine, i was a mess!! When the Red Lucky Strikes came out i knew that if i was to touch one of those bad boys i would become a drunk,hurling mess and of course what did i do............

The long and short of it is, i got paralytic, had a Lucky Strike, went to the toilet, spewed, basically crawled out of the pub, left my date there without saying goodbye, stotted down the road to my local Tesco, gave up the ghost and lay down at the entrance door next to the homeless man and his dog!!  It was 8pm in the evening......... im nearly 30 years old........ what the fuck am i doing!!!!
It took me a further three hours to get home, (i live 10 mins walk from the pub) i became very good friends with the homeless man that evening and we even shared a 2 liter bottle of water together, ive probably got hepatitis now!!
I took a rather interesting way to get to know my local community and the next day as i sheepishly walked up the street with my head down and my sunglasses on i got a few passing comments -  "you look a lot better today love" and "plenty more fish in the sea my dear" the one i loved the most was they guy from the pizza shop came running out after me and asked for his £7.99 for the pizza i had walked out of the shop with in my belligerent state the night before .....
Oh well, i can laugh about it all now, im lucky people were caring enough to make sure i got home ok!! Funnily enough, i never heard from Oscar again. However i did find out he copped off with one of the barmaids that had just finished her shift as i deserted him.
For every cloud there is a silver lining :)

Round 1 cont.....

A couple of raspberry Mojito's later it occurred to me that i had not went for a pee the whole evening! Now wether that was due to the fact i had been far to busy bating my eyelashes or the fact i may have been very dehydrated im not sure. However, what i am sure of at this point on an evening (when you have had a few to many) is that peeing in Spanx's comes hand in hand with sheer terror....

Anyway, i told Mr Music i had to go freshen up and he was very insistent that he would accompany me. As i stumbled off my bar stool he took my arm and guided me down a what seemed a mile long stair case where at the bottom was the door to the ladies bathroom. I gave Mr Music a wink and told him id be out soon thinking he was off for a pee too.
On entering the bathroom i was rather blown away, it was by far one of the grandest bogs id ever been too.... It was huge and there was mirrors running all up and down the walls that had make up stations with fancy lights. You know the ones that make you look hot if you dim them down because you look mysterious and like you could smolder something or someone with the blink of an eye! Then with the screw of the dim switch its all blindingly bright and you look utterly hideous because you can see every unwanted hair and spot !!,

Now, its bad enough trying (sober) to position yourself correctly while adjusting the spanx pee hole so that you pee with out any interference, one a miss leaded flow can turn into a pissy pants affair!! With years of experience i have came to the conclusion that its a hit or a miss. We are aiming for the miss!!

Just as i had myself perched in position (trousers round my ankles, spanks pulled to the sides, leaning forwards to try to encourage the flow in the right direction, eyes closes and looking to the ceiling in a kind of "don't pee on your Spanxs" prayer stance) i hear a knock at the door..... Good old Mr Music had decided to enter the ladies bathroom's looking for me......... Jesus Christ on a bike...., as if i didn't have enough to deal with at that moment!! He was standing right outside my cubical door?!?!
"What you doing in there" he laughed "having a poop?" CHARMING......
I laughed back and told him id be out in a sec, thinking he would wait outside so i could recommence with my urination. But oh no, that would be far to simple, he just perched himself at one of the makeup stations to wait. Now bearing in mind at this point there was no other woman in the bathroom but just as i was giving up hope of going for a pee a couple of ladies walked into the bathrooms and Mr Music said his apologies and shouted to me he would wait for me outside. By this point my need to pee had vanished and i decided it was probably time to head home. I mean what was he planning to do in the ladies bathrooms anyway?! I guess ill never know, thank goodness!!
If im honest, from that moment on i knew that this man was not for me. Don't get me wrong he was lovely but that little invasion of personal space was a bit of a shocker if not a little creepy for a first date.
As we got back up to the top of the mile long staircase (which Mr Music proceeded to grab my ass continuously on our incline) instead of heading back into the bar i suggested to Mr Music we call it a night. It was clear to see all the vino and cocktails was having an effect on him.
We caught a cab and he slobbered all over my face on the way home, it was the not so perfect way to end what started out to be a perfect date!!


Mr Music called me when he got home that night after dropping me off and he them called again the next day, which was a bit in my face. We went to the cinema that following evening to see "no strings attached". I started to think that maybe he wasn't that bad after all and that his forwardness the evening before was just a result of a little to much to drink. Nevertheless as the movie began Mr Music took my hand in his and then raised my fingers up to his mouth and started sucking and licking them....... Thank god it was dark because my face was not a pretty picture. It was a mixture of shock/alarm/laughter and disgust!! I let him do his thing and tried to just focus in Ashton Kutcher ;)
It then got to the point where my hand got lowered to his thigh and then moved higher and higher until it was on his semi aroused crotch area. Well if finger sucking/licking floats his boat then so be it but ill tell you one thing for sure - it don't float mine!

From that moment on Mr Music went to play his sweet music on some other lucky girl far, far away from me and my trusty old Spanx and i have survived to tell another tale!!

Ding,Ding - Round 1

So date night night was upon me and to say i was a little nervous and slightly scared was an understatement.
Nevertheless, I was preened to perfection and ready to glow like a glossy glamour girl - minus the silicone but plus a bit of cellulite!!
I also donned a pair of highly unsexy Spanks, (i hate trying to pee in them........)  a nice purple/pink cuffed dress and shoes i could JUST walk in!

I was meeting Mr Music at Holland Park tube station and we were going to head up to my local for a few drinks. I waited for 10mins and there was no sign of him. I hate the anticipation of standing sheepishly waiting for someone you have never met. The awkwardness of when they arrive - do you go for a handshake, a kiss on one cheek or a kiss on two cheeks, rub noses?!?! So many options......

Anyway he calls to say he was running slightly late and to head on up to the pub as he didn't want me waiting out in the cold.......cute!
I got a table in my local and ordered myself a white wine spritzer - those of you who know me well enough know that this is pretty much unheard of in my drink selections, however i didn't want to get drunk and make a total arse of myself....... well not for the first hour or so!!

Que Mr Music:
Into the pub he wanders and my first initial thought was - your soooo NOT 5'11!!!
More 5'8 at a push. However his height soon evaporated out of my thoughts when i was bowled over by the energy and presence he had. He instantly took control of the whole situation and made me feel very much at ease. He was a confident guy who knows exactly what he wants and how to get it, i could tell that straight off the bat.

As the evening and the wine flowed i began to fall very much into fools paradise with this man. This is probably due to the fact he had many interesting stories about 'artists' he has worked with in the past and current 'artists' he is working with now - i was in awe - thats right up my street!
He chatted to the waiting staff with such politeness and charm, that by the end of the evening they were all wrapped round his little finger, it was ever so slightly endearing!
My thoughts would wander from time to time through the evening, thinking about how beautiful our children would be with dark olive skin and bright blue eyes and id be a Yummy Mummy who drives around in a nice shiny Range Rover with a beautiful home in Barns to boot........ SLAP, SLAP wise up woman!!

It was coming close to closing of the pub and to be honest nether of us was ready to part ways. We asked for a recommendation of where to go next and we decided on the bar at the Mandarin Oriental in Knightsbridge which is open to the early hours.
On the way over to Knightsbridge in the taxi Mr Music sat very close to me and took my hand in his, i pulled it away!?
We trotted into the Mandarin and took a seat, cocktails were on the menu and so a Mojito it was.
He asked me a question: "Do you think someone who is a bad kisser can be helped?" I replied "Of course - what i think is a good kisser and what you think is a good kisser could be totally different, a good teacher can improve anything in anyone including kissing"
With that he got up off his seat and came round to my side of the table, looked into my eyes, took my face in his hands and kissed me!!
I hate PDA's (public displays of affection) and we were in the middle of a very prestigious & busy bar - i was ready to DIE !! Im clearly frigid?!
We had went from a rejected hand hold in the taxi to a full blown snog - holy moly!
He made his way back over to his seat while i sat there dumb founded and he piped up "my research is inconclusive, i will have to carry out some further tests to come to a conclusion"
SMOOTH OPERATOR.........

Trying something Phrased a little Differently ;)

Ok, so bright eyes and bushy tailed i embark on my new voyage of Internet Dating!  I check this dating website daily or if im really bored, many times daily!
Its funny because when i log on i look around to make sure no one is around to see what im doing. Or if i hear someone coming i quickly change onto another tab.... What am i scared of - internet dating is sooo 2011.... i should feel hip and trendy doing it - right?!

Anyway, keeping up with the sheer volume of interested candidates is nothing short of painful and at times i get bleary eyed reading profile after profile of the same shit! Im not saying my profile is particularly popular or breath taking but im like new meat to the wolfs which in turn means every Tom, Dick and Harry is having a sniff and looking for a poke!!

As im sure you have noticed ive missed out date number 1, this is due to the fact that he was so mind numbingly boring he is not worth mentioning. Plus he nearly put me off and jeopardized my whole I.D career before it had even began - how rude!!

Finally after a few weeks of hopeless looking and mindless chatting i come across date number 2. Lets call him "Mr Music".
Mr Music contacted me with a very 'normal' e mail, none the less his words seemed to flow and i was instantly hooked on what he had to say. He was against all my tick the box of what you look for in a man section. He was to old, the wrong *colour, to short and lived miles away.
Nevertheless, i was intrigued and slightly excited with Mr Music and once i had found out he was a music producer with his own production company my enthusiasm heightened ten fold.
Yes, im sorry, im slightly shallow that way. I kept catch myself daydreaming about having Craig David and Adele doing a duet at my wedding............whatever!!

We exchanged e mails daily and chatted on the phone, we arranged to meet the following weekend.
This gave me 6 days to get gorgeous!!
The 6 days were full of facials, manicures, pedicures, hair colouring, hair removal, fake tanning, eyelash extensions and outfit shopping. Yes a small loan was nearly required from one of those dodgy companies advertising on the TV....... You know the one - "we loan you £10, you pay back £200"


*I know im treading in dangerous territory but before you all leave my blog page aghast with my comment about his colour - i am by no means racist and i do not condone it. Just having a partner who is not the same colour as me hasn't really crossed my mind,Im not against it completely.

Searching for my Mr D

Five months ago i decided that this year was going to be all about ME. I was grabbing the reigns with both manicured hands and steering myself in the direction of rainbows, a lottery win, a washboard stomach, fluffy clouds, my Mr Darcy and designer handbags!!

All this was coming my way because i had read 'The Secret' and we all know if we follow what that book says its bound to happen - right?!
I was willing to throw gallons of positivity and good vibes into the atmosphere so that wonderful things would come catapulting back my way like a boomerang.
However looking back on the five months just passed, the only thing i've managing to steer myself into is my local Mulberry store!!

Nevertheless, having moved to London i thought to myself - how hard can it be to meet guys, there are millions of them.... Well let me tell you a thing or two about London dating........

With high hopes and a little bit of anticipation i grabbed my laptop and googled a highly marketed and (what im lead to believe) successful dating website.
I spent hours writing and deleting the 'bit about yourself' section. Im sure i nearly drank myself into a white wine induced coma trying to get creative!!
The pressure of trying to make yourself sound exciting and different (in a good way) is no mean feat!
It literally took me hours to get it to a level of what i thought was (drunk) perfection. THEN i had to choose a picture - Jesus Christ!!
Eventually my profile went live, i stumbled into bed with my laptop and lay there hitting refresh every few minutes waiting for my inbox to become brimming full until i passed out in my fuzzy state........
To be continued...........

Today is a new day....

Today i woke up and blogging was the first thing on my mind. Who knows i may be the next Carrie Bradshaw minus the tiny waist measurements and the extensive shoes collection..... Im all about the bags!

Todays topic is: "The Diet"

This is a very boring subject for the Eat to Live people, but for the Live to Eat i think you can relate.....

At the beginning of this year i decided enough was enough. Id had it with trying to squeeze myself into dress sizes that were clearly to small and existing in elastic waist bands because i refused to buy the next size up and admit id turned into a baby elephant!

Id had enough of the chaffing thighs and feeling like i had been blown up with a bicycle pump.

I was through with looking down and not remembering the last time id managed to see my lady parts without having to crane my neck or lift up various tyres of skin...

I was fed up of not seeing any recent pictures of myself because i refused to get my picture taken, living in the fear of having to SEE the damage that had been done.

I was exhausted with the fact i couldn't walk up 4 flights of stairs without thinking my heart was going to explode out of my chest while wiping the pools of sweat from my brow.

I was done with my family commenting on how much weight id put on (cause family dont hold back) and the looks given by friends when you know in their head they are thinking "god she has let herself go"

Most of all i was OVER with feeling like the most unattractive/unsexy person on the planet.

Anyway i donned upon the dreaded abstinence diet for possibly the 4th time in my lifetime.........
Im an all or nothing kind of girl!!
I managed to abstain for the good part of 11 weeks and dropped and impressive 3stone 7lbs.
However still with a couple of stone to loose ive kind of fallen off the bandwagon.......
Every day im getting back onto it but i f**k it up and have a binge, then i tell myself im really going to start tomorrow. Ive been having this cycle with myself  for about 6 weeks.......
So anyway im hopeful that today is the day and i will be successful and get this last 2 stone off in the next few weeks.
If i can be good 95% of the time i may be onto a winner :)