Do you remember back to the May bank holiday?! Do you also remember it was a glorious heat wave? Well, i remember all this and a whole lot more........
It was the Sunday of the bank holiday weekend and i had organised a date for the late afternoon with a Dutch man (lets call him Oscar?) and we were going to meet in my local which has turned out to be my new 'take all my date's there' spot!
Now, before we go any further let me state some small, important details - it was 32 degrees that day, i had been in the park for most of the morning/early afternoon in the scorching sun, id had very little H20 and id had no lunch.
I was meeting Oscar at 4pm. For this date i wore floral wide legged trousers, vest top and a cardigan, nothing to exciting!!! I also had minimal make up on as it would just melt off my face.... Some people get sweaty pits - i get a sweaty face....
As i approached my destination i looked around the outdoor tables of the pub for Oscar. I couldn't see him but in all fairness i am a tad on the blind side. I made my way straight into the pub and got myself a drink - white wine, go large!!
I stood there feeling a little awkward and hoped that my little Dutch hottie would hurry up.
As i received my vino i sheepishly looked to my left hand side and a guy sitting at a table outside waved to me. I peered to see who it was and took a few steps towards the person - yes it was Oscar but he looked nothing like his pictures. His hair was like Hugh Grant's but with far to much brylcreem cream, he was unshaven but not a nice unshaven. More like a 'i look homeless unshaven'. He also looked a lot older than his 37 years of age which he eventually over the course of the date fessed up to being 43....
The biggest issue for me was the teeth - now, i dont have perfect teeth but i have done all i can to make them better by spending hundreds of pounds straightening them and all sorts of other things. Oscars teeth were of the yellow shade and very crooked!! Its all about teeth and shoes for me girls, what about you?
I sat down and smiled brightly to my afternoon date and squirmed in my seat as i was sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market......... waaaayyyy!!! Anyway - moving on.........
He had good enough chat and he was a real nice guy but i just knew this would not be going any further. As i had came to this conclusion early on i decided, what the hell, lets get plastered, i dont care about making a good impression any more but as always i had to take it to the extreme.....
Due to the factors i told you at the beginning about being a tad dehydrated i was guzzling wine like it was water and this in turn got me bladdered VERY quickly. In all honesty i could not tell you much of what happened after my third glass of wine, i was a mess!! When the Red Lucky Strikes came out i knew that if i was to touch one of those bad boys i would become a drunk,hurling mess and of course what did i do............
The long and short of it is, i got paralytic, had a Lucky Strike, went to the toilet, spewed, basically crawled out of the pub, left my date there without saying goodbye, stotted down the road to my local Tesco, gave up the ghost and lay down at the entrance door next to the homeless man and his dog!! It was 8pm in the evening......... im nearly 30 years old........ what the fuck am i doing!!!!
It took me a further three hours to get home, (i live 10 mins walk from the pub) i became very good friends with the homeless man that evening and we even shared a 2 liter bottle of water together, ive probably got hepatitis now!!
I took a rather interesting way to get to know my local community and the next day as i sheepishly walked up the street with my head down and my sunglasses on i got a few passing comments - "you look a lot better today love" and "plenty more fish in the sea my dear" the one i loved the most was they guy from the pizza shop came running out after me and asked for his £7.99 for the pizza i had walked out of the shop with in my belligerent state the night before .....
Oh well, i can laugh about it all now, im lucky people were caring enough to make sure i got home ok!! Funnily enough, i never heard from Oscar again. However i did find out he copped off with one of the barmaids that had just finished her shift as i deserted him.
For every cloud there is a silver lining :)
